To All the Sycophants I’ve Loved Before

By Ben D’Alessio

Dear Andrew,

It wasn’t love at first sight, I have to be honest. You wanted to give me free money (you wanted to give everyone free money!) and I was skeptical about that. You were in the way, I was told. You shouldn’t be taken seriously. You were new, fresh, an outsider, and they were frightened of you because of it. Well… I have a thing for outsiders and I wanted to give you a chance. That’s how you won me over (it didn’t bother me that you sound like Kermit the Frog). And when I fell, I fell hard. One time I talked about you so much at dinner my fiancée said, “why don’t you marry him instead?” Oh, Andrew. Your policies on combating poverty while boosting the economy in a human-first capitalist system make my knees weak and heart flutter. My fear is that you’re ahead of your time. I… we just aren’t ready for you yet. It isn’t fair, I know. Perhaps one day this country will appreciate you — I just hope it isn’t too late.

Love,

Ben

P.S. Find me in the gulag, I’ll be there, too.

Dear Joe,

I hate that I love you. You were already so famous when I was introduced to you, I didn’t know what to expect. I was intimidated, okay, I’m not ashamed to say it. I didn’t even want to like you. I didn’t see…