The Indisputable Plan to Repatriate White People to Europe (and Maybe Argentina)

By Ben D’Alessio

Step 1: Everyone takes a 23andMe.

It was a fun experiment. We Americans started as a collection of pious pioneers (who hanged the occasional witch or two) and cash-crop entrepreneurs who continued to grow inedible tobacco over food even when our settlements were starving to death — it’s called an investment. We took a loose collection of colonies and united them to kick some English ass and then un-united them to kick our own asses. Eventually, after teaming-up with the English (and their associates across the pond), we began our world tour to Europe, Asia, and even some fun in the sun and sand in the Middle East. But all good things must come to an end. It’s time to go home.

Before we dive in, I want to address two things:

  1. No, you’re not allowed to just “go to Canada,” not even Québec, that’s cheating.

2. No, this is not me just finding an excuse to travel during the coronavirus pandemic.

Step 1: Everyone takes a 23andMe. Non-white people, unfortunately, you’ll need to subsidize this, but hey, you’re getting rid of us. Ounce of preparation, pound of cure, right?

I like starting here because we’re going to weed out all you whites claiming to be Native American. If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone tell me they’re 1/16th Cherokee or 1/324th Algonquin, we wouldn’t need the non-whites to subsidize this plan. I suppose if the Navajo Nation will take you, be my guest, but don’t hold your breath.

Step 2: We get our results and start making arrangements.

I’ll use my own as an example:

Without getting into the nitty-gritty, I’m 45% Italian, 28% British, 10% German, and 8% North African/Western Asian; while my 1.6% “Levantine” is enough for me to personally assert residency in the Krak des Chevaliers, I’m sure someone else has a better claim. But more on castles later.

The rent is comparable to a 2bd/1ba in Kips Bay

Clearly, Italy would be my best option, which is good news, because, like many parts of Europe, the smaller villages and towns have had their populations depleted as younger generations move to the cities. This leaves towns selling properties for total bargains — check out Bivona, Sicily, where homes are selling for $1. (Excellent news, because Sicily is my 2nd highest region within Italy after Campania — sorry for going nitty-gritty.)

Dibs on the tan one.

What about non-white spouses, children, pets? I can’t speak for them, only all white people, but my fiancée is 39% “Iberian,” I’m taking her with me.

Then again, my Spanish (and familiarity with Spain), French, and probably even Greek at this point are better than my Italian…

Step 3: Skip steps 1 & 2 and go wherever you can get a flight. The empty airlines would welcome the business so, if you want to follow this aptly named list (“Best destinations to live in Europe if you want to leave the USA”), I’m sure United could throw together a Pittsburgh to Porto direct flight no problem. Should be easy. Just tell ’em we’re ex-pats, not immigrants.

Porto, Portugal

Back to castles. Descendants of “American Royalty” can take up the numerous abandoned castles and palaces dotting the continent and it’ll be like they never left home. You know, the Clintons, Bush’s, Kennedys — I’m not getting into a flame-war over whether or not the Kardashians are “white,” but I don’t want them coming with us either way.

This screams “Timothée Chalamet”

Maybe this move should be made in a more egalitarian direction, but I’m only here to solve the race issue, not income inequality.

If you studied abroad in Florence or Barcelona (that’s BarTHelona), now is your chance to relive those glory days. And go crazy, the healthcare is free! Haven’t enrolled yet and not sure if college is right for you? Give it a try, it’s free too!

Pennsylvanians back to Germany, Wisconsinites to Sweden, Louisianans to France and I don’t know where Californians come from, but wherever it is, I’m sure there will be vegan, non-GMO, gluten-free, cruelty-free, free-range, cage-free options within the year.

**Texans** I’ve made special arrangements just for you. This is where Argentina comes into play.

Pros: They have cowboys (called gauchos), they eat a lot of meat, have more lax gun laws than most of Europe, and is very “white” already.

Cons: You will have to learn Spanish — I’m hoping you picked up a little already — and will need to adopt soccer (or fútbol) as your pastime to fully assimilate. Just make sure to call those islands out there Las Malvinas and you should be fine. It’s even fun to say.

Jewish friends, as you know, there’s already a land reserved for you at the end of the Mediterranean. So, (*he says the following sucking air through his teeth*) we’re going to need all of the West Bank to accommodate everyone, but I suppose it’s headed in that direction anyway?

Step 4: Start picking political parties. If you didn’t feel like the watered-down, all-encompassing Democrats or Republicans were the right fit, I promise, there is a political party in Europe for you. Are you anti-establishment, environmentalist, and anti-globalist? Pick Italy and join the Five Star Movement. Do you believe feminism has progressed beyond traditional Marxism, that Israeli goods should be boycotted, prostitution should be illegal, and feminist self-defense should be taught in schools? Pack a parka and join the Vänsterpartiet, or Left-Party, in Sweden. Anti-Immigration, Anti-Homosexual, Anti-Miscegenation, Anti-Prostitution? The National Front in the UK is your cup-o’-tea. Pro-prostitution? Front national (now the Rassemblement national (National Rally)) in France should get the job done.

*The National Rally is actually a legitimate right-wing political party, the National Front are just Neo-Nazis, I think.

You can even carry it over into your (inevitable) soccer clubs! Left-Wingers, let me introduce you to FC St. Pauli (Germany) and AS Livorno (Italy); Right-Wingers, FC Zenit St. Petersburg (Russia) and SS Lazio (Italy).

Maybe we can ever bring back NFL-Europe…

And that’s it. Mama’s ringing the bell to come home. Figure out your sports and political parties and let’s get movin’. Get on skyscanner and start looking for flights. That includes you, white allies. White karate instructors and Africana Studies professors, frat-rappers (do these still exist?), and yoga teachers. Let’s go Bed-Stuy, New Marigny, Fillmore, don’t think I don’t see you up there, Central District, Seattle. Come on, we’re all in this together — you guys probably shouldn’t have been there, anyway. Oh jeez, I’m getting sentimental here, but it’s for the best. We’ll visit on holidays (it is Europe, we get a lot of them) and set up weekly zoom meetings to catch up.

The experiment is over.

We got a C-.

Hhmm? What was that? Did I ask if Europe is cool with this? Uh… no, but that hasn’t stopped us before? Lol.

Ben D’Alessio is the author of the novels Binge Until Tragedy, Lunchmeat, and The Neon God. Visit his website to learn more. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. 20% of profits are donated to the Covenant House in Atlantic City, NJ.

Author of the novels: Binge Until Tragedy, Lunchmeat, The Neon God, & 6 Harlots: Rebirth of a Nation | Linwood, NJ

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