Member-only story
The Indisputable Plan to Repatriate White People to Europe (and Maybe Argentina)
By Ben D’Alessio
Step 1: Everyone takes a 23andMe.
It was a fun experiment. We Americans started as a collection of pious pioneers (who hanged the occasional witch or two) and cash-crop entrepreneurs who continued to grow inedible tobacco over food even when our settlements were starving to death — it’s called an investment. We took a loose collection of colonies and united them to kick some English ass and then un-united them to kick our own asses. Eventually, after teaming-up with the English (and their associates across the pond), we began our world tour to Europe, Asia, and even some fun in the sun and sand in the Middle East. But all good things must come to an end. It’s time to go home.
Before we dive in, I want to address two things:
- No, you’re not allowed to just “go to Canada,” not even Québec, that’s cheating.
2. No, this is not me just finding an excuse to travel during the coronavirus pandemic.
Step 1: Everyone takes a 23andMe. Non-white people, unfortunately, you’ll need to subsidize this, but hey, you’re getting rid of us. Ounce of preparation, pound of cure, right?
